Body of Work

As a child, I felt my body didn’t look like other girls’. In my mind, I was smaller chested, had wider hips, and bigger thighs. I started dancing at the ripe age of four up until I graduated at eighteen. Every girl in my dance studio was significantly smaller than me. During our ballet classes we were required to wear tights and leotards everyday. This form fitting attire would aid in my constant comparison to everyone else. Once a year we would have to be measured for recital costumes. Lined up one by one, our teacher would measure our bust, waist, hips, and torso. Reading out loud our measurements in front of the entire class. I felt mortified every year when the time would come. I remember standing there wishing I could crawl out of my own skin. If only I could have anyone else’s body but mine.

While growing up, I listened to my older sister complain and point out the “imperfections” on her own body. Austin is eleven years older than me. I remember vividly that she hated her lower abdomen. She hated the way it stuck-out, unlike other girls. I remember thinking Austin was so beautiful. How could she not like her own body? Only a few years later, my child-like body began to flourish into womanhood. Stretchmarks started to appear in places where my skin grew too fast and I soon had the same stuck-out lower abdomen as my big sister. If she hated her stomach so much, shouldn’t I? 

Now I catch my younger sister repeating the same shameful things I say about my own body. Lily is twelve. Sometimes I forget how impressionable her young mind is, just as mine once was. Without us realizing, our words have such an impact on each other. It is so easy to set off repercussions of internalized shame.

Ever since I was a young girl, I have struggled with body dysmorphia. On most days, I lack the ability to see what I truly look like. Self portraiture has allowed me to express and depict that vulnerable state of mind.

“Our bodies are and have become a form of work. The body is turning from being the means of production to the production itself,” Susie Orbach. In this age, we are constantly fueled with unrealistic body types. Most of us are exposed to this harmful media at a young and vulnerable time. It’s rare to hear someone express that they love every part of themselves. In those moments of negativity, we often feel alone. I want to share that you are not alone.